03-27-08 - "Now that I have you in my arms / I hardly know wha

"Now that I have you in my arms / I hardly know what to do"

It was one of the most beautiful things ever written to me.
And it hurts like fuck to know that you used to feel that, and don't anymore.
03-09-08 - I was supposed to be getting my life in order.

I was supposed to be getting my life in order.

Instead I'm letting myself fail again.

I don't understand anything asked of me, but

 I still think if I work hard enough I'll 'magically' get it.

It's no longer enough to somehow how I can start again.

And it's completely unacceptable to make pretend how I gauge

 my success magically changes it.

I had an effective method for doing well in school.

 I choose to ignore it.

I continue to think I can get by an intuition I don't have.

I continue to think that everyone else does less work than me,

 when for all I know they could be just as lost and going off

 rote memorization, or working their asses off and making it

 look easy superficially.

I continue to act entitled to things I haven't earned.

I continue to act as if hard work alone will improve my grades.

I continue to posture and preen for my friends as evidence that

 I deserve more than I've received.

Even that moment of enlightenment I think I feel when I learn

 something is false, somehow, not based on what I can do but 

 what I feel I've learned.

This all has to change.

02-05-08 - things i need to read
  • Maus
  • In The Shadow Of No Towers
  • The Stand
  • The Dark Tower
  • Suicide Casanova
02-05-08
“father where do you go? it's farther than i can see. when are you coming home to me? darling why do you leave? the north wind begins to blow. will you be coming home to me?

and then nothing but the echo of the last voices streaming across the endless ocean... repeating long after the music ever stopped. and i get this vision, as stupid as it is, of maybe the last one alive, and maybe he prefers it this way, with the ocean surrounding him on all sides. but more likely than not there are still countries miles and miles away, and it makes the leaving all the more bittersweet because he knows he could come back. and part of me thinks it's a joke to every try to understand why anyone leaves, even the whaler. but part of me wants to understand it so i can justify it to myself when i finally do the same.”
12-21-07 - And Then A Crash Of Thunder

The question becomes now: How do I deal with a staggering and heartbreaking loss in a way that doesn't push me too far in either direction on the spectrum of attitude and philosophy?

I've been struggling this whole time, trying to determine what it is in me that causes this stupid, headstrong, foolish pride. But I've also been wearing it like a medallion, acting as if I'm the only one whose pride has been his downfall, acting if I can't look to the past to see where this will end up.

Tonight I slipped on ice, fell, laughed, confessed my inability, had help. And it was painless, and I didn't feel threatened. Why was it different than asking help for homework, or extensions to assignments? Why do I act as if I can be afforded weakness in some facets of my life but not in others? And which way should it lean, if at all? Is there a happy medium for pride, too?

Even if there is, I at least feel justified in applying it to what has happened between Mikah and I—on more correctly—what has not happened. If Jeff or a professor knows I can't do math, no big deal. But to meet Adrian hearing straight from her that he was there when I wasn't: that is something I must assert myself on. Does that make me a coward? Perhaps, but fuck it. I have limits.

So now it is to me, finally, no other influences, no move lost loves to tally. And I need to stop shoving my past in everyone's face, too. Unless I actually fall in love again, there's no reason for me to drone on and on about all the things I've lost. If those things actually hurt me like I said, then they should hurt every time I trot them out. It's been fun, but it's time to move on.

And that's what gets me the most, I think. A major chapter in my history is closed now. From Amanda to Mikah to Adam to Michelle... it's just all over. I've infected who I can and run away with the cure. And now I'm the one in the shadows, waiting, never stopping until I find the cure for this cancer. I feel horrible that I couldn't have been that person for Mikah, but she has her own now. I'm unneeded. And tired: I've been carrying this—I hate to say it—hope that I could get her back, somehow. But that's what happens when you have hope: you have nothing.

I don't feel like learning anymore. I don't feel like trying anymore. But the world isn't going to stop for this. I have jobs to worry about, grades to worry about, and—fuck it—even friends to worry about. And it will be fun, because I don't need to worry about having my heart broken again. It will not happen again.

And contrary to some people's beliefs, that does not mean I will go out and get a brand spanking new girlfriend or boyfriend, one who "isn't like all the others" and "was there when I needed them", so I can go get emotionally fucked again without learning my lesson. This is my fucking time now. God, won't that be wonderful! "What do I have to do today?" becomes "What do I have to do for myself today?" "Who will be upset if I do this?" isn't asked in any form, wiped off the map totally and completely.

First order of business? Organization. Clean out the inbox, accomplishing a victory over my laundry, sorting my music, backing data up and fixing up all my computers. Then - games. Postal 2, Morrowind, anything to relax and clear my head. Then going home, celebrating with family, and spending the nights writing code. Back after Christmas, to rest up, get ready for school, and have time to read. No one to worry about, ever again.

Oh god, what a release! No more what ifs, no more nightmares, no more dwelling on regret!

Accepting this and moving on is like being given a million dollars and a year off: unchained, freed, and full of potential. Why the fuck didn't this hit me before‽ While I was clenching my fists and bawling to The Birthday Massacre, I could have been writing a symphony, or focusing like a tiger on my studies... Jesus what a fucked up and limited perspective I've had! Desperate for companionship and sex when all my freedom is lying and waiting for me—more patient than any lost lover!

The limits, the gamuts, the ranges all go away when my personal freedom is the first imperative, the first tenet. Why worry about too much pride, too little emotion, too few, too many, too anything when my heart is filled with joy, simply at the new glorious feeling that comes with having no more restraints? This is the time when a million things are tried and discarded and the true virtues will stand out in their ability to achieve success.

I can finally say goodbye now, without fear, without repercussions, without the lonely voice in the back of my mind simpering, "But what if she changes her mind?" The answer can now be, forever, IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. "Is she happy with him?" IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. "What did I love, hate, need, despise about her?" IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. The die has been cast. No revenge, no regret, no anger or animosity. Just what is and the decisions we've made. And if she comes by, years later, upset and lost, trapped in a relationship she can't bring herself to enjoy? Haha, caught you there—it doesn't fucking matter. No revenge, no regret, no anger, no animosity, no second chances.

What a beautiful vision. Live life like there was no tomorrow, full of passion and potential towards success and all of its side effects. In finally giving in, I have refused to compromise my life with another's, which is the greatest pride I can have in my life at all.

Maybe there will be a day when someone takes my breath away again. Until then I will treat it like I prepare for the Second Coming — not at all. What a mistake to hinge my life on other people like this—to not ask a professor for help in a class but to snivel and mewl and whine when an inevitable breakup occurs. And what a joke to have hope or belief—as if that will save me, as if it has ever saved anyone.

Jesus! I used to act like surrendering to this was some fatal blow to my promise, some world-weary destiny I must uphold, never to love again. But this is a better victory. How could I ever have thought that 'Now I can live my life for another person' should be a victory condition?

However: I've got to be careful. No change comes without cost. Who will I become after this? I need to watch myself, carefully. I need to respect the relationships around me while keeping an eye on my needs. I need to not espouse my ideas at every turn, to anyone who will listen. I need to strive to be her friend, and set the appropriate limits on our friendship. I need to use my freedom to respect my own goals properly—my schoolwork, my jobs, my leisure time, and my hobby projects. I need to continue to broaden myself, physically, mentally, and culturally. I need to contrive to live frugally, and not waste my money on stupid decisions. I need to take more advantage of what I'm paying my tuition for: the gym, the library, the tutors, and find out more of what's open to me.

It's never too late. And now my life is mine—so it is now the best time.

12-01-07 - i don't feel like i want to solve problems anymore.
11-25-07 - home - and all it entails
home - and all it entails
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11-25-07 - Death March Part III

Let's start with this.

My Belief That Reducing Myself Fixes The Problem

Every time I come up across some kind of obstacle, or humiliate myself some way, or end up saying somethng that worked well in my head but not so much out loud - essentially every time I'm not making progress, I decide, through no real logical set of steps - that the problem is I've spread myself too thin, and I need to concentrate on my core elements. This stems a lot from the massive amount of computer experience I've racked up - 90% of the time the solution to any given technical problem is to step back, simplify elements, toss what''s not needed, implement a simpler solution, and move on.
But life doesn't work like that, I'm beginning to discern - elements are connected too strongly, and versus the technical problems, the things I'm trying to rip out of my life are ingrained habits, not temporary parts of a unique scenario. Case in point - friendships. I start fucking up in school, one of the first things that goes is my social interactions. This is a bad thing because it leads to a martyrdom complex (which I'll write about eventually) but because it's an instinctive reaction to a problem that has other causes. If I'm doing poorly in school, I should get help, talk to a professor, study more - not immediately excise my friends. My buddy list has dwindled in size since high school - from 80 or so people I regularly wanted to keep in touch with to about a half dozen today. And it doesn't help the situation I'm trying to fix - it just makes me feel more pressed upon and stressed to accomplish more. I end up saying to myself, I made this or that sacrifice - now my problems should be getting better - and then the stress gets worse when they don't. And this is just one instance. I've stopped reading for pleasure, I've stopped going to concerts regularly, I've stopped hanging out with friends, I've stopped most of my leisure pursuits - and all in the name of problems that can be solved without going to such extremes.
How do I fix it? Well, slow integration, to start - making sure I am literally not taking on too much. Seeing how I adapt doing the things I need to do, then slowly adding the things I want to do, and recognizing my tipping points. If something goes wrong, I need to be more honest with myself as to what the problems actually are, and how to solve them.
11-25-07 - Death March Part II

I guess I could start simple. The whole reason I'm writing this: hubris. I can't bring myself to go to the people who could actually help me, and say, "I need help." I think it's a cheap way out, and that if I can do it myself, I'm that much better off towards understanding my life and my motives. I don't know if it will actually work but I do know I have a laundry list of problems with myself that need to be taken care of some way or another.

  • my belief that reducing myself fixes the problem
  • what i already know about my mind
  • my sense of entitlement
  • my martyrdom complex
  • my test anxiety
  • my pride
  • trying to receive a chance
  • knowing I enjoy the chase more than the capture
  • how prone I am to wandering once i'm supposedly happy
  • my enthrallment with the process and not with the followthrough
  • my fear about my mental state
  • my fear about fitting in and what it means about my future
  • my fear of my legacy
  • my fear of love, and how it doesn't make me different
  • my drama
11-25-07 - Death March Part I

I always think that when shit hits the fan, I can save myself by taking away more and more parts of my personality, more and more habits, more and more consequences. I get this strange idea, probably, from my programming - the cleaner the code, the more elegant the program. But it doesn't seem to work that way in real life. I short-circuit things - I end up acting in ways that I don't understand, because I've torn out my motivations, or my enjoyment of a reward. So that's not the answer. I need to take an actual look at myself and the people around me, I need to shut off all the vindictive, angry voices in my head. I need to destroy the pretense and stop misrepresenting things. I need to fix what's gone wrong, and I need to stop worrying about whose fault it is. I want to be happy again. I need to remember how.

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